So what. . .

I see a lot of messages on Facebook about depression these days.  Suddenly, at this point in my life, it has knife stabbing meaning.  I never thought of myself in that way, but now it feels a lot closer to home than it used to be.

I don't even know how you define depression.  Do I feel suicidal?  Absolutely not.  Mostly it just feels like being covered with a heavy, wet blanket.  It is hard to think, hard to move, even hard to speak at times.  I used to think I was just having a "pity party", but I think it is more than feeling sorry for myself.  There is something deep and dark that pulls you back to all of  those "pitiful poor me" thoughts, something that won't allow you to let go and move on.  I used to think I wallowed in my problems because I chose to do that.  Now I am not so sure that the decision is all mine any more.


Talk to someone, they tell me.  But when you feel that no one else "gets" where you are at, it seems rather pointless.  So the routine "I am fine." answer is always at the tip of my tongue.  For I find that others not only don't understand, but mostly they don't care.  Not because they are mean or cruel,but because they, too, are dealing with a very full plate.  I don't blame them.  I understand.  They can't fix my situation.  We all deal with life and death, pain and illness, family issues, wayward children, disappointment, fear, and the list seems endless.  Walk a mile in someone else's shoes, the saying goes, if you want to fully understand their suffering.  I think there is a lot of truth in that.

But also, we should never discount another's pain and circumstances.  While not the same as mine, they hurt just the same.  It does not help to tell them they are "strong", because nobody is strong all the time.  We simply rise to the challenges before us when it is necessary.  And then we collapse into a well of despair.  It is like wearing lead boots and hoping you never end up near the water.

Those of you who are care givers, or have been care givers, will understand.  There is a fine line to maintain your own life while caring for someone else.  And when it is someone you love, it is even more difficult.  I reek of selfishness for I want to run away and leave it all behind.  But responsibility, compassion, loyalty, and love keep that from happening.  Please don't disparage anyone when they do take that short time to get away and recoup, it is a necessity if they are to continue on.

I am most fortunate in that I have two special people in my life.  We have been friends for 14 years.  Although we each struggle with our own battles, we know and understand each other's battles also.  When I am down, the other two pick me up.  When I need a "talking to", I get that.  When I can't go one more step, they are there.  I am blessed.  When life sucks, we suck it up together.  We keep each other going.  When I am tempted to give in or give up, they yank me back into the real world.  Sometimes those who really care have to "slap you up along side the head" so your head settles back on straight.

Joy is there, but it seems so far away sometimes.  Life goes on.  I need to learn to live for today....ultimately that is all I have.  But I have the promise of life everlasting with my Savior that will beat anything I can imagine here on earth.  I can't imagine surviving my circumstances without that promise.  "Jesus Loves Me" is not just a song, it is the truth.  And when all else fails, it is that truth that you hang onto.

Just Writin' on the River Road